Living in Sins

As my prayer life has grown dramatically over the past semester, I have been praying more for forgiveness for all the sins I have committed in my life. Every time I have prayed I have asked for forgiveness over the same sins over and over again. I have flashbacks to when I sinned, and I relive that moment over and over again. A lot of people think about the past, but with depression, you LIVE in the past. I am all the time thinking about the things that have happened in my life, the people who hurt me, and the sins I committed. I constantly think of the question, "how could God love me after all I have done?" So I find myself asking for forgiveness for those sins every time I think about them (which I probably ask for forgiveness for the same sin 543 times a day); hoping that 1/543 times I ask for forgiveness that I will actually receive it.

I was reading a book by Max Lucado called God Came Near, when I came across a chapter called "He Forgot." The chapter was talking about how God forgives us for our sins, but then he forgets about them. In Hebrews Chapter 8 verse 12 it says, "And I will forgive their wrongdoings, and I will never again remember their sins" This struck me hard. Why am I asking forgiveness 543 times for the same sin? God forgot that sin, so why can't I forget I did it? God forgave me for that the first time I asked him then he forgot about it. I found it pretty awesome how loving our God is that even though we turn from him, he still loves us enough to forgive and forget!

I also find myself questioning, "Why can't I forgive those people who hurt me and forget about what they did?" I can't change what happened in the past, but I sure enough can face how I react towards it. Why can't I forgive someone who hurt me when the One who created me forgives me when I hurt him? I have always heard to forgive those because God forgave us, but after reading this chapter by Max Lucado, God really slapped me in the face and showed me what it really meant. Over the past 19 years, I have been living in the sins I have committed in the past, living in those times of hurt, and thinking about those who have hurt me, but after seeing how God forgives me and forget the sins I committed, it finally started sinking in that I need to forgive those people that hurt me, forget the sins because God forgave me and forgot them, and to learn from that and strive to be more like Him. I was once living in the past, but now I am living in the moment, and searching for God's face in all that I do.